KIMBALL CHO: The Owner's Maintenance Guide
by Aeidhryn
Summary: The CHO unit is now available for sale, in all of his deadpanning glory...read inside on how to NOT get yourself killed by everyone's favorite hawaiian pizza eater. Unbeta'd.


**KIMBALL CHO: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual**

Disclaimer: I do not own The Mentalist. (It hurts, precioussssss…)

The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual format belongs to Theresa Green. I do not have permission to use said format, because sadly Theresa Green is retired from , however, he-has-her-by-the-heart, who has been allowed to use it, has given me permission, which is the best I can do.

If confused about the OC coders, refer to the PATRICK JANE manual.

**CONGRATULATIONS!**

You are now the proud owner of an CHO unit! To unlock the full potential of your very own CBI Agent, read the following guide with care, as misuse of the CHO unit will prove destructive to your ability to not laugh at really bad jokes. Even the yo mama ones. You will never be able to stop, either. Well, not for a really long time, anyways.

**Technical Specifications**

Name: Kimball Cho (also known as Cho, Cho, and Cho)

Age: Really? I repeat, do you want to ask him? No? Thought not!

Place of Manufacture: Sacramento, California, Cho Division

**Your CHO comes with the following accessories:**

Work Clothes

More work clothes

Suit leftover from undercover assignment working a bar. Will make all nearby females WOW. Use sparingly.

Badge

Gun

Note: The CHO unit will react badly to any attempts to forcibly remove his badge. Remember, he always has a gun. (Even if you can't see it.)

**Removing your CHO unit from his box**

By reading this section carefully and following all instructions, extracting your new Agent from his box should be a relatively easy and death-less procedure.

Open the box cautiously and leave his badge and gun on a counter next to a coffeepot. Your CHO unit will automatically gravitate to their general direction, while you open the panel at the back of her neck and enter your ownership code. He will then respond to your (LISBON unit's) every command.

**Your CHO will come with the following functions:**

TOP COP: Whether it's in firearms or computer tracking, the CHO unit excels with quiet, reliable competence. There's a reason he was the LAROCHE unit's first pick to lead the team after the LISBON unit.

INTERROGATION WIZARD: "The best I can get with one phone call is a pizza." In order to maintain your CHO unit's healthy sense of respect for you, it is best for you to remain behind a soundproof one-way mirror during all interrogations. It wouldn't do to have him hear your uncontrollable spasms as the Coke you were just drinking fountains out your nose and you smack the table repeatedly.

LACONIC SPARTAN: No, he's not Greek. But the beauty of his one-liners (almost) compares to that of the race that thought up "So much the better, we'll fight in the shade", "Come and get them", and "If".

NFL PLAYER: (No, he's not really an NFL Player. We got that memo too.) This function allows the CHO unit to tackle like a pro (at the expense of his back).

UNDERCOVER NINJA: All that is needed is the proper suit, and your CHO unit's smooth factor goes up by ten. With a little assistance from the JANE unit, of course.

ACTUALLY AMUSED (locked): Momentary, brief, swift, fleeting as the wind, you'll have to be a bit of a ninja yourself to notice when this unit cracks a smile. But it happens. There is scientific proof.

AVENGING ANGEL (locked): Emphasis on the former, this has nearly nothing to do with the latter. Do not mess with the CHO unit's girlfriend. Another reason to respect the CHO.

Locked modes can only be unlocked by the unit himself. Do not attempt to program these modes.

**Extra modes can now be purchased through our website. Note: Illegal downloads cannot be accessed, through Google or any other such search engines.**

**Your NAME will come with the following modes:**

Competent Cho

Very competent Cho

Übercompetent Cho

Supernaturally/impossibly competent Cho (locked)

**Relations with Other Units:**

PATRICK JANE: This unit and the CHO unit get along well together; while often dubious regarding the JANE unit's plans, the CHO unit trusts him, and will often therefore go along with the JANE unit.

TERESA LISBON: This unit and the CHO unit get along well, as they are both incredibly competent and generally reasonable. They respect each other, and also occasionally amuse each other.

WAYNE RIGSBY: This unit and the CHO unit are often sent out together. Though the CHO unit may get fed up with the RIGSBY unit's bad jokes and occasional mistakes, they're good friends.

GRACE VAN PELT: this unit and the CHO unit have a standard working relationship. (No, not _that _kind of relationship.)

CBI PLAYSET: This CBI Playset will allow your CHO unit to have heaps of fun drinking coffee, annoying Rigsby, and driving about in a big black van.

**Feeding**

Your CHO unit should be fed a balanced meal three times a day, but tests have shown units have been known to survive on only fast food for an extended period of time (i.e. one day). The CHO unit does not drink alcohol.

**Rest**

The CHO unit's level of peace, happiness, and rest while reading appears almost abnormally high.

**Frequently Asked Questions**

Q: My CHO unit is laughing. And laughing. And laughing. I can't get him to stop! HELP!

A: You have just downloaded a homemade function off of a random website you googled, right? Send your unit to the HQ for a reprogramming. We will send him back, corrected, for a $182.37 fee. Don't try to cheat on the 7 cents. We'll know.

Q: There's a large group of scruffy-looking Asians asking about my CHO unit. What's going on?

A: Fend them off, then call your unit and inform him the Avon Park Playboys is after him. Again.

Q: Did he really shoot that skinny one?

A: Yes.

Q: I made my CHO unit watch _Mr. Bean Goes On A Holiday _and he didn't smile. Something must be wrong!

A: Sadly, no, this is simply how the CHO unit functions. If you wanted a reaction, you should have bought the RIGSBY unit.

**-o-**

Sakuracoder: We should probably just get rid of the age category entirely.

Cafpowmagician: But people just keep asking.

Gen7Supervisor: We could just put the actors' ages on there.

Cafpowmagician: But what if that's wrong?

Gen7Supervisor: Wrong? Customer asks you a question and you don't have an answer… that's wrong. Also, we ought to stop warning people about all the ways they can make their unit angry. It's scaring people.

Sakuracoder: But that's a dumb idea. (And it will make us work on the help line for longer hours.)

Cafpowmagician: What Alisse means to say is that if we get rid of all the warnings, we'll get sued.

Gen7Supervisor: We don't want that.

Cafpowmagician: No sir.

Gen7Supervisor: Well, they've already bought the thing. If the manual scares them, that's too bad.

Sakuracoder: Maybe we should put up warnings for the good stuff too.

Gen7Supervisor: If you can write a five-page proposal about that and bring it to the extra unit follow-up meeting tomorrow, I'm sure Steel will fit it in.

Sakuracoder: …


End file.
